I Am Because We Are

This post isn’t going to make much sense chronologically, but I decided to post it by order of importance. Because I know I can get a little long winded sometimes, and if anyone is reading this blog, I feel like it is better for them to hear what I have to say about my thoughts tonight as opposed to how the beginning of my week went. So here goes. And on a side note, I don’t expect everyone who reads this to agree with me or understand where I’m coming from, and I’m certainly not claiming my way of thinking to be the best or even remotely right. I’m just human like all of you, and I certainly don’t have the right answers or thoughts. But I think there is something important in putting your thoughts out there anyway, to be contemplated by yourself and others, whether right or wrong. Better to have ideas that maybe aren’t perfect than to sit and not think about the important issues that really matter. Anyway…

So once a week we have a night where we do reflection. Tonight for reflection we watched “I Am Because We Are,” a documentary on Malawi done by Madonna a couple of years ago. First of all, I would recommend anyone to watch it, so if any of you have an hour and a half to stop, slow down, and learn about something way bigger than yourself, check it out (I think it can maybe be found on her website, iambecauseweare.com, but also on youtube). The documentary was pretty powerful. It tells the stories of people from Malawi who have HIV/AIDS or have been affected by it. Many of these stories are of children, orphaned by AIDS and just trying to get by themselves. It is easy to spout off statistics, like that Malawi at the time of this documentary (2008?) was the second poorest nation in the world, has over one million children orphaned by AIDS, and over 60% of the population lives on less than one dollar a day. This alone should affect us, disturb us, cause us to do something. But the sad thing is that statistics tend to take away the humanity behind the issue, and so we end up just looking them over and not taking them on. But the fact is that these statistics all have specific people and faces that they can be attributed to. So to watch this documentary and see faces and people and stories put to the statistics really affected me. I’ve never had so many chills running through my body in such a short amount of time. Madonna talks about how unfair it is that there are 9 year olds who are the heads of families because AIDS has killed or disabled their parents, how so many people are dying because they don’t have the access to healthcare and medicines, and just how unfair all of it is. No kid should have to grow up without parents, or even worse grow up without hope for a future. It just sucks, and that is a huge understatement.

And I watch this documentary and see the stories and it clicks with what I’ve been teaching the past couple of weeks. The material I am covering with these kids serves multiple purposes. First, it is helping them take care of people with HIV/AIDS in their lives. These children have to deal with so many challenges and difficulties, and aside from school, food, work, they often have to take care of their family members that are sick and suffering. So to give them that information so that maybe their loved ones can live a little loner is important. Secondly, to remove the stigma from HIV/AIDS by setting straight the misconceptions is also important, so that those with HIV/AIDS in the community are not ostracized. They already have to face so much and have so much heartbreak, and when the people around them aren’t educated about the virus, they may push them away because they fear the virus themselves. But what I feel like the biggest thing we are giving these kids is the power to change their futures and to provide hope. The tag line for World Camp is “Educate. Inspire. Change.” And it really is true. In order to stop the pain and death that come with HIV/AIDS, these kids have to know how to make the right choices, how to protect themselves, and what exactly HIV is in the first place. And if we don’t tell them about it and teach them, then who will? The adults in the communities often have just as many misconceptions as the kids do. Things aren’t going to change if the ideas and lack of education remains. But World Camp is doing something, and so are various other organizations are as well. So there is hope and excitement in that. It has definitely made me much more excited for camp tomorrow and next week.

But honestly, watching the video was hard. Because like many of the documentaries of its kind, there were a lot of really tough images of people suffering like we have never imagined. The pictures and videos of people who are literally just bones covered in skin, the images of a mother screaming out in pain after burying her child, living conditions covered in trash and human waste. It’s enough to upset anyone and make you question a lot. And I think sometimes people are quick to turn to God and say, “How could you let this happen?” How could God let his people suffer like this, how could he allow it? How quick we are to put the blame on God. I can only imagine that God is asking the same things of us. How could we let this happen? God granted us on this Earth all that we need to get by and survive in joy and happiness: food, resources, compassion, and love. And yet we can stand by and let our fellow human beings suffer like this without doing anything about it? How can we be so cold toward people who are just like us? How that must hurt God, cause Him pain and anger, to look down and see us being so ambivalent about it all. What the heck are we doing?

These are the thoughts in my head. But I’m not trying to call out anyone at all. Well that’s a lie. I am calling someone out. Everyone out. Including myself. Because the truth of the matter is that I came here this summer for very selfish reasons, something I shared with some people before I ever left the US. Of course I wanted to be helping people that needed help, but I also took this trip to get away for a little while, reflect on my own life, experience a new culture, and travel. And even the reasoning behind helping others was because helping others is like a natural high for me, which isn’t a bad thing I don’t think but still feels awfully self-serving. And it is great to have these revelations like I am now, but is that really going to change the way I live? Because I am pretty sure that when I get back to the US I am going to go back to living just the way I had been. I hope that isn’t the case, or at least that I am a bit more conscious of people around the world that could use my help (and other people’s help). But will I really be giving enough of myself once I get back? Will I really be doing all I could do and should be doing? Are you? I know the answer for myself, and it kind of makes me sick.

I don’t know the answers. But I do know that I am completely rejuvenated for the rest of my time here, and am excited to get to school tomorrow (which if you read the rest of this entry you will understand why that is a big deal). I’m not going to start living my life perfectly, because I can’t. I’m human. And as embarrassing as it is to admit it, I’m not going to live the life I should and I’m not going to be dramatically different after this trip. I still have a lot to think about as far as what my role is and should be in all of this. Because I certainly don’t think it is helpful for all of us to just uproot and move ourselves to Africa and start educating people. We all have a separate calling and role and if that is to make money in the US and send some of it over or to minister to the people around you back home or to just live your life in a loving way right where you are, I think that is completely fine and acceptable (as is moving to Africa, though…I’m definitely not bashing that). All I’m saying is that I think we need to think more of our global community, the state it is in, and what we want to do about it. I can’t do everything, but that does not mean that I shouldn’t do something. So I’m happy to have taken these six weeks to at least do something. And I know there is more that I will be doing in the future.

Whew. I could probably talk for hours about these issues, and I’d probably talk in circles about it, too, as far as what we should be doing and could be doing and why I personally am not doing enough. But we have to get up early tomorrow so I should really be getting to bed. Thus, there is a short overview of how the week has gone since Monday…

So Monday we started camp 4 at a new school. We got lost getting there and thus started a little late. It is right by the mountain we hiked up that first weekend, so that is kind of cool. I am teaching with Dominic this week, and we have a standard 6 class. They have really been struggling with the information we’ve been teaching. They keep thinking there are only 3 bodily fluids that carry HIV and can never name the 3 ways of HIV transmission (they instead give specific examples) and they keep calling “breastfeeding” a fluid. Close, but no. They are also painfully shy and thus hardly talk at all during class. They aren’t engaged and I have been missing my class from last week. I tried to get them to dance after lunch on the first day, and they just looked at me. I also sat down next to some of the girls and tried to talk and they just blocked me out. Very frustrating. Empowerment group at least was pretty talkative and fun. The girls on the first day were already asking questions out loud about sex, which hasn’t happened at any of the other schools I’ve been at so far. The girls are typically to shy to talk. Funny story. We had to come up with a group name for them, and I asked what they wanted to be. A girl said the lions. So I said okay what kind of lions (because generally we get the groups to come up with some kind of adjective before the animal, like hungry lions or strong elephants). She responded “like the animal.” I couldn’t even correct her so I just said touché and moved on. I also met a boy named Owen, who isn’t in any of my classes but came up and introduced himself the very first morning. He speaks a little English, and he bangs on my window of the bus every day before we leave to say goodbye. I think he is my Joseph of this school. AKA he is my camp 4 boyfriend. Hahaha.

The second day of class the kids were just as not engaged as the day before. I tried to be excited and make faces at them and they just weren’t really responding. And when we reviewed they were still getting things wrong. It is so frustrating! And I know they have personality because after lunch I finally got them dancing, and some of them were hamming it up in the middle of the circle. But once we started back into lessons they all just sat there like they were asleep. Horrible. And so last night I dreamed that Dennis (our bus driver) couldn’t make it and we had to skip the first half of camp and only go in the afternoon. So when I woke I was jealous of my dream world. I just felt very burnt out and I felt so guilty about it, but didn’t know how to fix it. I talked to a couple other volunteers about it and a lot of other people were feeling the same. So we loaded the bus and I was trying to spend some prayer time to fix my mood, when we were told to get off the bus because there was no key. They had lost it, and had called the bus company so that they could come and bring us a spare. Well Malawian bus companies aren’t quite as organized as what you might find in the US, so they brought over just a box full of keys that we had to go through to try each and every one. And what did we find? None of them worked. So we had no way of getting to the school and thus had to cancel for the day. I was not so secretly relieved, and I think everyone pretty much felt the same. So instead some of us went and played soccer and ultimate Frisbee, came back to the house and relaxed, read, went and ate, and just hung out. It really was a much needed day off to get over the whole burnt out feeling I think. So it was really nice. That being said, after watching the documentary tonight, I feel even more guilty about how happy I was to have a day off today. What I am doing here is so much bigger than myself or my mood or whether I feel like dealing with a class that isn’t engaged. And I had already realized that at least a little, because Tuesday I was telling Alicia that I just had to keep reminding myself that as great as it is to have a fun class that you connect with, my purpose in being here isn’t first and foremost to make friends, but to give these kids the information they need to possibly change their lives for the better. Of course I hope tomorrow goes better and I can get them talking a little more. But even if it doesn’t, I will spend the day with joy in my heart because it is an honor to be hear in Malawi educating the young people about HIV/AIDS. Again, I am so lucky, and I am so happy to be here and be learning so much from them. The people of Malawi, with their strength, perseverance, and joy, are so incredibly inspiring.

Okay, I need to go to bed. I’m sure there is a lot more I had in my mind to say that, when I started typing, just kind of slipped by. I don’t proofread these posts, so who knows what I left out or what I put in that maybe I should take out. But hey, it is real and it is raw and it is me. So if you choose to read it, take that and do with it what you will. For now, all I can say is that I hope all of you are choosing to live your lives in love. Because in the words of my great friends Blessed Union of Souls, I believe that love is the answer.